I’ve been caught up, pretending but today looking at every single picture and video in my old laptop i realized something.. I need to change everything. Most of my pictures are from sophomore year, I was on top of everything. From then til now I’ve gone from up so high to this.. i cant even fucking walk properly. I need to take care of myself more, i want to get back into form, into myself..

different standards, different level, different life. 

I’ll admit it, when high school ended.. so did i. 

I need to change or better yet tweak certain things
my best days arent behind me but in front of me
i’ll let certain things be
for a lot of reasons but especially for me
no days off and a lot of sacrifices to be made  
i want to scream as loud as i can one day… 
that i am self made, i guess that its better off that way 

to end of what this is
life has changed me to be and to not to be in such a bliss
that i shook and wore through my days
thinking and knowing maybe this isnt the right thing to say
to being naive and weak
being at the end of myself at my near bleak
rose up and grew strong but wore what this was known to be
someone that wasnt me
cause a stir, moments that i wont forget
thinking to myself that i am at my near end
my stupidity has caused me to sacrifice memories that shouldve been
with you all, i guess not, to be forgiven and pinned
by myself pride, not anymore, i gave in to what i know, them
sorry guys, and especially to you chink, ive taken this to extremes
under the rain, prefect scenery for what we are dont you think..
so this is me being weak this is me being me as it may be
 

to be in front of the devil and laugh
to smile in front of many but be dead inside
truths and secrets, hidden in the shadows of ones mind
no longer suppressed, becoming ones true self
the asshole. 

time has caught up to me
nothing else to do, no one else to be
i gave it a try, i put myself on the line
on the border of a strange feeling, that i couldn’t define
I lost you to my past
… now to be a selfish man with nothing else in mind. 
 

not going to lie it might be time for me to settle down for someone. 

you dont know what you have until you lose it
i swear all the other girls that i smashed were illusions  

to all my past aways, that ive left i say no hard feelings,
im not your arch villain
pasting and glasting my past through, ya dont understand
im no superhero, just a man
built and glued with these words
lights out, disappointment
glaring at my moments
nothing better
glushing nets
voicing lungs out  
flashes, happiness
lights on, average joe
making its way through
no glue
no walls
just a regular man
 

future is bright, late nights. trying to gather the images of the hours past. one shoe on, throwing up a lung. Acting like a fool, to be smash to the max on a work day. I will feel good about my bad choices.  It wont be that deep, few to the crew. had her bend over the sink, starring at her lower back tattoo. condoms, keys, my wallet, the thoughts of an strategic alcoholic, cause the condom wrapper was empty.  

“woke up so dizzy, drunk and hungover..cant find my house keys, who was the chauffer?”

Its going to be great being pronounced as number 1 tomorrow when they mention the lineups against northwestern.